so after catching up on about 2 months worth of blogs from angela i feel guilty for not having posted in just as long.  so here’s a quick update while the bubs is sheeping.

1.  rob got a job!  he makes more than we did in cali, at a great, laid-back place in salem, new hampshire (about 30 mins from boston).

2.  we got an apartment!  its brand spankin new, right smack dab in between boston and salem.  we’re the first people to live in our unit!  all black GE energy star appliances, a corner unit with bay windows with a balcony over a grassy hill.  beee-utiful!

3.  aiden is 6 months old tomorrow!!! can you believe it!?  he’s teething, he can sit up by himself, stand as long as he’s holding on to something, roll around, say dada and mama (mama takes some work still), and he’s trying reaaaalllyyy hard to crawl.  he’s almost got it!  he also got baptized this past sunday.  check my myspace for about 200 (no joke) new pix, including some of my mom’s visit, aiden’s 6 month portraits and the baptism

4.  aiden’s awake!  so i got to run, his 6 month well baby visit is now!

well  we’re all here and 90% unpacked at gram’s house in cape cod.  its sort of hot.  its not actually hot… its just that gram does not have a/c so when the house bakes in the midday sun, the house stays rather hot until the middle of the night.  lame.  rob’s on the hunt for jobs and has another interview with unemployment… apparently they want to know why we moved.  well MAYBE if 3 people could survive on something less than 75k a year in that hopeless fucking hole, we would have stayed.  but we cant.  so we didnt.  dumbshits.  anywho, ive been working my ass off trying to clean up gram’s pigsty.  and its difficult cleaning up 50 years of mess.  ive thrown away spices that expired before my own mother was born.  no exaggeration.  its pretty raunchy.  then the joys of having a deaf grandmother make themselves so much more apparent every day.  

“gram, can i re-arrange your cabinets, the order really makes no sense” (food-> utensils-> baking dishes-> cereal -> cups -> cans -> binoculars/ radio)
“yes, go ahead”
*4 hours later, after much hard work*
“WHY ARE MY CUPS MOVED?”
“you told me i could move them”
“well i thought you meant putting things here and there” (isnt that the definition of moving?)
“well yeah, whats the problem?”
“they’ve been there for 40 years, nobody will know where they are”.

*sigh* 

soooo… so much has been happening.. first i got the visit from hell from the inlaw + 1.  im just freaking glad they’re on the other side of the country now.  the only thing i foresee being negative in the future is one hell of a fight for inheritance.  but thats a bit of a morbid topic.  so onto the next bit.  mothers day was great, i got a puzzle ring, which is beautiful and i love it.  next, we moved!  yeah, we’re in boston now… cape cod to be exact.  rob’s in ohio now, still trekking onward with our crap.  he should be here late tomorrow or early caturday.  heh.  aiden was an angel on the flight, i lost my anxiety after we took off, so it was all pretty easy.  though i will say, traveling with a 3 month old, stroller, carseat, base, cat, a 30lb PnP, backpack, duffel, small duffel and 2 rolly bags, ALL BY YOURSELF is NOT freaking easy.  by the time i got to my plane, 15 mins before takeoff (i left 3.5 hours before and i only lived 40 miles away), i was sweating like a pig.  but im here, relaxing (sort of) and trying to gather my frazzled brains.  and trying not to kill my nearly deaf gram who makes me SCREAM whenever i talk to her, and keeps the tv turned up so loud i can hear it perfectly clearly downstairs… when she’s in the room across from my sleeping cranky child.  she’s going to wake him up!  GRRRR!  anyways, check my myspizzle for pix.

this is my first mothers day, a week from today.  all i want is a special freaking day.  i went through 41 weeks of pregnancy, a 22 hour labor and 10 weeks (and counting) of shitty recovery.  all i want is one day.  one day where someone cares about ME for a change.  one day where instead of buying MYSELF something and just “pretending” its from rob/aiden, that they take the freaking 2 seconds to THINK about what IIIIIII want.  i didnt get a valentines day.  my first anniversary i got nothing, not even a card (i didnt get him a card either, but i did get him a hard to find video game he really wanted).  im sure my birthday will be shitty again this year for the 23rd year in a row.

 i. just. want. a. good. mothers. day.

PLEASE?!

im not sure if what i have is hormones, stress or PPD, but i know my mind isnt normal.  i feel sad constantly.  forgotten, depressed, and like i just want to take my baby with me and run far far away.  im extremely sensitive when it comes  to ANYTHING bad happening to babies.  i will seriously burst into tears at the mere thought.  i have constant thoughts about something tragic and horrible happening to aiden that i cant control.  or something happening to me and i cant take  care of him.  i hate being this sensitive.  then, to top it off i have a husband who is drowning in self pity to the point where we go days without touching each other.  not even sexual touching, i mean a kiss, a hug, anything.  i dont know what i want anymore. 

i now know why they say mothers are the strongest people in the world.  they’re expected to maintain the family without ever bending.  take care of the baby, take care of the husband, take care of the finances, make sure everyone is happy, healthy, make appointments, remember absolutely EVERYTHING… when do i get to just hang out with my friends.  when do i get to breakdown. when do i get to have someone pamper me and make me feel special on a bad day.  when does someone buy me flowers for no reason other than they just wanted to.  when does someone buy me something i mentioned wanting ages ago, just because im special enough to be remembered? 

WHY am i never allowed a bad day?
WHY am i the only one that can do things right?
WHY cant i escape the way you do?
WHY cant i just trust people to take care of the baby?
WHY am i the one that has to be responsible?
WHY is she still around?
WHY aren’t you truthful with me?
WHY cant we just know already?
WHY do you like hurting me?
WHY am i disgusted by you?
WHY does my body suck?
WHY can’t i appreciate what i have?
WHY do i care so much about things that dont matter?
WHY am i so afraid of stupid things?
WHY is everyone out to make miserable?
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY 

okay so i watch america’s next top model when its on re-runs… and this season im watching (idk if its the current one or not) but DAMN these chicks are UGLY, WHINEY and RETARDED!  jebus, is this the best they could find?  i know people personally who are 1,000 times prettier than these dogs!  blech! 

i wonder if i am who im supposed to be.  now this question sounds far more existential than i mean.  i mean, am i the way i want to be.  im not putting up a front to impress anyone, im not trying to be something im not.  am i me?  i think so, but sometimes i have doubts.  when i see someone who i want to be like in one way or another, i copy them.  for example, there’s a woman who i see as a great mom, while still balanced and fun, and covered in sexy tattoos and piercings.  she had her lip pierced, which i liked, so i got mine done too.  this makes me feel like instead of me, im a small piece of everyone ive ever liked all rolled up into a little (okay… big) insecure package.  but then, a dorky cliche little thought creeps into my head, that maybe i AM a little bit of everything, a little bit of everyone, a little bit of everywhere ive been, all squished into some sexy jeans and a t-shirt.    *shrugs*  oh well.  i wanna dye my hair blue but im too lazy.  anyone want to come help me? /end attention span

sometimes i think things are happening… maybe they are, maybe they aren’t… but i know if i were to confront the issue, if it were true, i’d just be lied to… because “when i get so mad, it makes them afraid to tell me the truth, that’s why they lie”.  so……. me getting mad when someone does something i’ve asked someone not to do, been told they arent doing, and/or explained how much something hurts me and they do it anyways… that’s odd?  then lying about it makes it better?  i dont get it.  if one does something wrong by me, of COURSE im going to get mad.  duh.  do you think telling me that you’d rather lie about it then get in trouble is going to make me say “oh… well in that case, do whatever you want to hurt me and i just wont get mad.  i wouldnt want to hurt YOUR feelings or anything.”  wtf?!  or maybe i AM just imagining it like my saboteur-self does to create things wrong with a person i deem too good for me.  who knows.also in the same genre as the title suggests… my panic attacks… they’re back.  when i was pregnant, they weren’t nearly as bad.  they were few and far between and not so intense.  now, (i guess because my hormones are back to the way they were?) im getting more and more paranoid and getting panic attacks again.  maybe its just because of the stress from moving.  hopefully it will calm down once we have our apt. and are all settled.  i wonder why i have this insane fear of being places im not familiar with.  probably because my family moved so damn much and i was always unceremoniously plucked from my comfort zone and thrust into a world i always hated.  but then again, a fellow bi-polar friend just informed me, pregnancy usually balances a BP person out rather than make them whacko like it does to “normal” folk.  so maybe i am screwed. :( i wish i could get better without taking a pill everyday that makes me feel even more crazy than i already do.  hmmph.  i feel like a lost cause.